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i am...
the girl that glares at you through fallen strands of hair. for whatever reason. may it be admiration, or absolute hate.
the person who smiles for the sake of smiling, laughs when she is uncomfortable, and states the obvious when there is
nothing left to be said.
the girl that everybody knows, but not everybody wants to know.
the girl that makes an outstanding impression... then fades away.
the girl that dreams of fame, and recognition, though her only marketable skill is to occupy space.
that person... that everybody has been affected by, but will soon be forgotten.
the girl who is antisocial when sober, even more so when stoned, a social butterfly when tipsy, and the horny, depressed,
puking, crazed lunatic when drunk.
the girl who everyone seems to love... but nobody cares to remember.
that girl who opened up in a moment of weakness, and as you forgot what it is i opened up about, i prepare to be forever
kicking myself for being so stupid. secrets are meant to be kept. especially my own.
that girl who stands out from a crowd, is hard to miss, easy to spot... always wants to be noticed, but never wants to
be seen.
the one who seems like a perfectly normal person when i want to... the kind that no one would even imagine does the things
she does...
that girl who forgets even her own identity, until she is naked.
that girl who appears from a distance to be unharmed by others opinions.. when it's just that she cares about most.
that girl who is a sheep in a wolf's clothing.
that girl who looks in her mirror and is looking in the eyes of her greatest enemy.
that girl who seems to care more than she does, or less than she does... depending on the situation.
the kind of girl who can be aware of others deaths... even death of a family member, and be unharmed.
i am also the girl who is deathly afraid of dead bodies.
i'm that girl who is always in darkness, but is afraid of the dark.
i'm the girl who pushes herself into fear, and cries because she's scared.
i'm the girl who craves attention when it's not around, and rejects it when it's everywhere.
i am a walking contradiction.
i am the girl who keeps secrets from everyone, especially from herself.
i am that girl.
who are you?
girl without a name
thinking of you drives me insane
and i think of you every day
and every night, one wish is made
in hopes you will come back one day
forget the pain you put me through
forget how i did the same to you
forget the prommises we broke
forget the words that we spoke
discard all the painful thoughts
and give to me, these things sought
eternal fire, and warming kiss
bring to me our sanctid bliss
give me freedom to touch your face
and the joy of your loving embrace
run into these open arms of mine
hold me close and save my life
these tears are for only you
free me from this pain in which im consumed
i never could stop thinking of you
and still i pray youll come back soon
into the wind, i send this kiss
for only you, and the love i miss
i pray that you will love me someday
and that i can hold you close again
forget the what if's of what you have
come to me for a love that lasts
break me free of these blasted chains
and please soothe this damning ache
all my pain will instantly flee
the very moment you come back to me
though its foolish to love you so...
i still wish you never had to go
those words you spoke, that you love me not
tear into me, on these words i am caught
and then i close my eyes once more
and remember what im living for
into my eyelids, your face is etched
so when i close my eyes, i feel blessed
everytime i see your face
i am touched with loving grace
but soon this feeling fades away
and i remember all the pain
remember me in your dreams
dream my love, and think of me
and i hope that when you wake
that youll come back and end my pain
-untitled-
my wait is over, finnished and done
and this is what i get for being in love
arms wide open, and no one to hold
so here im frozen, fragile and cold
whats left to believe in now?
whats left for me to do with myself?
and everything i ever believed in was a lie
so whats there to do? other than die
everyone i ever loved has betrayed me
will anyone come to set me free?
here im left with all my mistakes
no one here to keep me safe
trapped in the past with you
i wish i never met you
i wish we never fell in love
i wish you were never here to be gone
i wish i didnt think of you at night
i wish i didnt know you were alive
you took away all i gave in
and here im left with this
i can no longer waste my time with you
i know you wont come back anytime soon
i cant keep holding on
everything we ever had is gone
i wish that i had walked away
then things wouldnt have ended up this way
now i know theres nothing left
so here we are, this is the end
-good-bye-
i wish i could forget you
and the way you said goodnight,
i wish i could forget it all,
even the way you held me tight,
i wish i could forget the many times
you would hold me close,
i wish i could forget how
i believed youd never go,
i wish that it ididnt hurt so much
to think about you now,
i wish it didnt bring me to tears,
enough in which i could drown,
i wish i could just close my eyes
and for once not see your face,
i wish i could think clearly,
instead of feeling insane
i wish i could just let you go,
and all the memories,
i wish it wasnt so hard to be alone,
while youre still with me.
i wish i never met you,
now i wish it most of all,
i wish you didnt just stand there
and watch as i would fall,
i wish i never gave you my heart
in which you broke in two,
i wish you never had the power
to make me fall in love with you.
i wish i never came here,
i want to leave this place,
i wish i never had to look
upon your loving face,
i wish you never made me smile,
because now it hurts so much,
knowing now that someone else
is the one you want to touch,
i wish i could just let it go,
and forget all about you,
i wish you never came along
and brought on all my doom,
i wish i didnt have to face
the fact that you are gone,
i wish i could say something
to make you come back, my love,
i wish that wishing made a difference,
especially in your eyes,
i wish i could go back and stop you
from ever saying goodbye.
-a tragic end-
what about the plans weve made?
what about youre prommises to stay?
what about what was going to be?
what about you? what about me?
whats going to happen now?
now that i have no one else
what is going to happen to me
now that you have decided to leave
what else is there for me to do?
if i no longer have you to turn to
where do i go? where do i run?
what do i do when you are gone?
i never thought id have to let you go
perhaps i should have loved you more
i guess i screwed up this time
i guess im not good enough to save your life
so it seems you never loved me
it seems youve broken what was to be
it seems that all i had is gone
and now i ask: what did i do wrong?
was i not a good enough cause
just for you to keep living on?
was the impact ive made so weak
that you can turn around and walk away from me
was all the effort i put into you
just postponing all that id lose
is everything weve shared a lie?
did you really leave me? did you die?
you prommised you would never walk away
you gave me your word you would stay
so what about all you said to me?
why did you have to up and leave?
what about what i want, do you even care?
did you forget? this isnt fair.
did you even think about my tears?
i guess not, so here are my fears
now the worst has finally come
my baby sister is forever gone
i miss you so much, i could just die
its hard not to allow myself to cry
it hurts to hold back these tears
it hurts without you, my dear
ill never forget the fun weve had
there will be no more, too bad...
thank you for sticking around this long
but what do i do no that youre gone?
i never thought this day would come
i cant believe what youve gone and done
do you miss me, wherever you are?
can you heal my broken heart?
i cant feel you next to me
it hurts so much, and i cant breathe
my brain feels like its swelling inside my head
you cant be gone, you cant be dead
i dont think that i can face the world
you have no idea what youre worth
youre worth these tears that i will cry
youre worth my own life
youre worth my time every day
youre worth all the things i say
you were worth my love, and you have it still
bacause of you, so much fulfilled
i never thought one day id find
a baby sister that would be mine
and now ive lost you to death himself
i wish i was there to be of help...
i wish i could have held you close
and made you see you didnt have to go
i'd have swallowed those razors one by one
just to show you that you are loved
but i guess its too late, i should have known
i dont have a baby sister anymore
i miss you so much, you have no clue
what do i do now, without you?
-ambulance-
the ambulance is
coming for me now
im dying slow,
im fading out,
can you see
infront of me,
death he watches over me,
as he kneels to take my life away,
break me break me
right in two
watching over as
i can only be watching you,
not close enough to
get inside your mind,
i shake once more
i feel its coming soon,
ill be the angel that
watches over you,
never for get me tonight,
never forget my life
-I remember-
I remember hiding
Before
Not wanting to hide
Anymore
I recall the pain
The ting
I remember the terror
Daddy would bring
I remember crying
That night
I remember wishing
I could be out of sight
I remember
The turning knob
How I cowered
How I sobbed
I remember
Being dragged
Just like it was
Yesterday
I remember
Being thrown
I remember wishing
Daddy was not my own
I remember
I brought it onto myself
Merely by refusing
His "help"
I remember the painful
Thrust
And how it stung
And hurt so much
I remember
Just how it felt
I remember
So very well
I remember the way
I screamed
I remember hoping
He would set me free
Instead he held on
To my hair tight
And beat me
On that horrid night
I remember begging
Crying "daddy please"
I wish that he never
Hurt me
And I hit the mattress
Like a ton of bricks
I can feel it all
I remember this
I remember my mother
Screaming no
And the way
He hurt me so
I remember
All of this
And the warmth of the palm
He beat me with
I remember
Like it was yesterday
But I wish it all
Would go away
And even though
He doesn't recall
I remember
Most of all.
-no title-
how do i say it?
what needs to be said?
how do i get these thoughts
out of my head?
how do i say something
i havent said before
when nothing makes sense
to me anymore
i dont know what
i need to say
i dont know how
but ill find a way
i just keep repeating myself
over and over again
when will it stop?
when will it end
just a broken record
a broken record
that never stops
it will always skip
jumping from thought to thought
and if i even turned to you
looked you in the eye
and said what you need to hear
that youre no friend of mine
what would you do then?
what would you say?
would you even care
if i dont think of you that way?
i thought we we're a pair
but that ended long ago
perhaps its because none of us
can ever find a home
and when one day i find that place
ill never want to leave
i dont ever want to be appart
from those who want to be with me
but it seems that i am jumping
to conclusions once again
because when it seems no ones there
my wounds they start to mend
someone listens all the time
and its always the same few
the ones who actually care
for me, unlike you
so dont forget me now
or who i was, or who i've yet to be
always remember,
that you were once a part of me
and i let you go, into the dust
because youre full of lies
and now its you, and only you
whom i truly despise
take in all you want, you greedy pig
just stop sucking me dry
you can have anyone else
my life is only mine
i hope i can forget you some day
because youre memory's a waste
and all i will ever know you as
is someone who never gives and always takes
sorry my cries bother you
sorry you never cared
but what did you expect from me?
if when im screaming youre never there
ill just keep on screaming
until someone can hear me
and wont move on
until my wounds start healing
so ignore me some more
its just going to get worse
but i wont be bothering you
i wont bother with you anymore
youre a waste of breath a waste of time
and id rather not waste myself on you
because nothing will ever get beter
if im talkimg to the deaf, such as you
sorry its over, and i wont be here
when you need my help
but im sick of bringing you up when your down
just to have you turn around
and be blind to my fears, and all of my aches
its just not worth my time
so take it from me, youre a terrible friend
but i hope you have a nice life
-no title-
such pain inside this empty shell
with nothing else to hold
alone and in this horrid winter
where the days are always cold
and nothing ever brings a smile
but the voice of whom she loves
and here shes waiting all the while
for this heartache to be gone
she begs and pleads for just one thing
for the ones she loves to come near
but inside she knows, that even though
they love her, they cant be here
so she waits and waits
just for her dreams to come true
she waits, and will wait endlessly
just for her, and her, and you.
and even though shes losing her mind
waiting for the pain to cease
she continues to wait just for this
the day she will be free
and the days are long, they never end
but she knows it will be okay
she has faith, she still hopes
it will be easier someday
and regardless of the pain she endures
and the scars so deep inside
she waits for nothing else
other than days where she wont have to hide
so she sucks it in, pulls it together
just for the ones she loves
because one day, she has faith
she will finally be home.
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